Emotional Shutdown During Fertility: When “I’m Fine” Is a Survival Response
By Margaret Cali, Fertility & Mindset Coach
There is a particular phrase many women learn to say during fertility struggles.
“I’m fine.”
It is said at work meetings.
It is offered to friends who do not know what to ask.
It is used with partners, family members, and clinicians.
And often, it is not true.
For many women navigating fertility challenges or IVF, “I’m fine” is not reassurance.
It is a survival response.
What Emotional Shutdown Really Looks Like
Emotional shutdown does not always look dramatic.
It rarely involves tears in public or visible distress.
More often, it looks like:
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Staying busy and productive
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Minimising your own feelings
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Feeling flat rather than sad
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Avoiding conversations you do not have the energy to manage
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Functioning well on the outside while feeling disconnected inside
You may still be doing everything you are supposed to do.
Showing up.
Following protocols.
Holding it together.
But internally, something has gone quiet.
This is not weakness.
It is the nervous system protecting you from overload.
The Nervous System and Fertility Stress
When fertility becomes prolonged, uncertain, or medically complex, the nervous system can remain in a heightened state of alert.
Repeated disappointment, waiting, loss, and decision pressure activate the body’s stress response.
Over time, this can lead to one of two common patterns:
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Hyper-arousal: anxiety, racing thoughts, vigilance
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Hypo-arousal: numbness, withdrawal, emotional blunting
Emotional shutdown often belongs to the second category.
It is the body saying, this is too much to feel all at once.
In fertility contexts, this response is common.
And it is often misunderstood.
Why Women Shut Down Emotionally During Fertility
Emotional shutdown is rarely conscious.
It develops because:
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There have been too many disappointments to process safely
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Hope feels risky
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There is pressure to stay positive
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You are expected to keep functioning while grieving privately
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You do not feel you have permission to fall apart
For many women, shutting down becomes the only way to continue.
Especially when IVF enters the picture.
“I’m Fine” as a Coping Strategy
Saying “I’m fine” can feel easier than explaining what you do not yet have words for.
It can feel safer than inviting questions you do not have the capacity to answer.
It can feel protective when your body already feels exposed.
But over time, this coping strategy can come at a cost.
Emotional shutdown may create distance from:
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Your own internal signals
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Your partner
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Decision clarity
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Your sense of identity beyond fertility
Not because you are doing anything wrong.
But because you are surviving.
Why Emotional Shutdown Matters Before IVF
Many women enter IVF medically prepared but emotionally depleted.
They have already spent years managing stress, disappointment, and uncertainty.
By the time IVF becomes an option, emotional resources are often low.
If emotional shutdown is not recognised, IVF can feel even more isolating.
Decisions become harder.
Communication can feel strained.
Fear becomes quieter but heavier.
This is why emotional readiness matters.
Not to force positivity.
Not to eliminate fear.
But to gently reconnect with yourself before the demands increase.
Reconnecting Without Forcing Emotion
Reconnection does not mean pushing yourself to feel everything at once.
It begins with safety.
With noticing.
With permission.
With understanding that shutdown was adaptive.
Supportive emotional work before IVF focuses on:
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Regulating the nervous system
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Restoring a sense of internal safety
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Creating space to feel without becoming overwhelmed
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Rebuilding trust with your body
This is not about “opening up” on demand.
It is about meeting yourself where you are.
You Are Not Broken
If you recognise yourself here, know this:
You are not cold.
You are not detached.
You are not failing at coping.
Your system has been carrying a lot.
Emotional shutdown is not the absence of feeling.
It is the presence of protection.
And with the right support, it can soften.
Where to Go From Here
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